i’m rotting
how the fuck did i end up in a situationship with the girl i’ve been in love with and was in a serious relationship with for almost five years lmao. i’m so confused
the reason we stopped fucking is because you’re ace, you said.
it wounded me in such a horrible way because it wasn’t the whole truth.
i’ll never get over seeing the images you were sending to strangers. they’re burned into my memory.
“mommy needs to see you” you said to them. talking about doing lines off their body and c*mming in their hair. jerking off and taking photos for strangers. saying these increasingly scary things.
that made me want to die, do you know that?
“you don’t say much but your eyes say a lot more”
what do my eyes say that you don’t already know?
is it the fact that every time i see you the wall between us is clearer, taller, bigger?
it’s honestly so embarrassing that i’m still clearly thinking about you even when i’m under someone else…
end of april — seattle to visit with av’s parents
may 27 — ptv and the used in boca raton florida
june 17th — rob’s wedding in upstate ny
july 3 — fall out boy in los angeles california
july 24 — fall out boy in west palm beach florida
july 25 — paramore in portland oregon
october 22 — when we were young fest in las vegas
what if I shared a joint with a dyke. what then
my job is based in your hometown. every order i open at work puts you at the forefront of my thoughts. the memories of being there with you are strong and bright. smoking in the backyard of your parents house. the long drives full of music and laughter.
and there were the days i screamed at you. the nights we drove home fighting. you never picked a fight with me about anything, did you? what a gruesome realization. it really was always me. fuck. i can’t forget the scary early mornings of our voices echoing in the living room you grew up in. i hated that scared look in your eyes. i should have let you break up with me sooner.
i was so unwell and you still kept me safe. you loved me so hard and held me up with all your strength until it gave out. you tried so hard. you tried so fucking hard and i will never be able to thank you enough for loving me so much.
i hope you know the time we spent in your childhood bedroom meant everything to me.
i know you haven’t looked at me the same since then. you told me yourself, the way you felt about us has been different since then. i wish i could explain it away and the trauma of the betrayal of my mother was a good enough reason to justify why i was the way i was. the way i struggled to stay present when life was happening in front of me.
the world never stops for anyone and i am half a decade in the past.
sometimes seeing you cuts me open, but i would rather see you then not.
i ask you to come over after work.
i ask you to spend the night.
we’ll roll one up and watch youtube and have a snack and fall asleep beside each other.
i am happy with that.
i am happy for a little while.
something scary happens to your best friend who’s alone on the other side of the world.
we talk about it some but you seem to want to deal with it on your own.
you’re up for a few more hours riddled with anxiety until the situation gets resolved.
(and, i watched you be helpless there too.)
but it does get resolved.
i drift off to the familiarity of rhett and link and the softness of your shoulders in the meantime.
you finally settle in to dream with me by sunrise.
i wake up a little bit earlier this morning to take in a few extra seconds of nostalgia.
to give you a chance to pull me in a little longer
you roll over in your sleep and hold me.
the second i feel your warmth again, i break.
i vanish into your embrace and i snooze my alarm way too long.
the seconds are starting to feel like lifetimes again.
tomorrow i will wake up without you.
the feelings are getting to be too much as i’m hurrying to get dressed.
you are half-awake and so beautiful when you’re sleepy.
seeing you cozy and warm in what was so recently our bed makes me ache.
i am trying to say my goodbyes without getting upset but the words start to slip and i am losing my cool. “it’s hard to wake up without you.”
your eyes are so sad then. i always have to dig the knife into the soft quiet moments. i could have not said anything at all. you stay quiet. you go on your phone without saying anything back. what were you gonna say back anyway? my brain is on fire.
“but you’re probably used to it. i have to still be here.” there is poison in my mouth. it moves without me.
the rawness of my own words shocks me. neither of us are awake enough to deal with the weight of how i feel. i don’t know what i wanted out of this interaction. i guess i just wanted to know it’s still hard for you too.
“did it make you feel better to say that?” is all you say back.
“no.”
i can’t stop going through our old messages and tumblr posts and god i wish more than anything you still thought i was made of fire and electricity i wish you still loved me so fiercely i would do anything to try again im sorry im sorry please come back